Feeling Like a Burden to My Loved Ones

So let me start off by saying I trust very few people and love fewer because of the trauma’s I’ve endured. But once I love you friend, family, or partner I am the loyalist person you’ll meet, most of the time. The other percentage of the time to be completely honest probably pushing you away to some extent. Nevertheless I do still love all my friends and family that’s supported me even if I act off my rocker sometimes. I admit I have some alters who have a convuluted way of protecting the System be it switching and cussing for apparently no reason or in the case of my adoptive parents one of my fragments sometimes will even get violent and then have no memory of the incident. Which when I am informed of later makes me feel like a burden and even more maladapted then I was before because I feel responsible am responsible for my alters I feel like. So I am going to relate an incident that often happened when I was younger and got triggered before I was diagnosed with my parents. Especially my mother sadly. I would yell scream or cuss at her until my father would try to break us up and then end up either running out of the house or fighting him and her till the police and EMTS where called. This happened maybe once a year growing up and lesser and lesser as I was diagnosed and started treatment. Now that I am back in South Carolina though I moved back in to my old childhood house and hadn’t been properly taking my meds or seeing a therapist because my Medicaid wouldn’t transfer from Ohio. I had started having vivid flashbacks of those incidents as a child and even traumatic flashbacks and switching went from a only in the session with my therapist and maybe when really stressed at college or triggered maybe once weekly to a daily even hourly thing. I consistently told my father and mother I needed to get properly medicated and see a therapist ASAP. But to see a psychiatrist was 3 months away and my mother and father were sick of paying for doctors and shrinks so they kept putting it off or my alters would self sabotage the appointments by forgetting to set a reminder. So I had the incident with the car when both my parents where away and when my mom flew back she started yelling at me all I remember is feeling small again and a burden that shouldn’t live anymore so I attempted suicide with my anxiety medicine at the time. Anyways spent 4 days in the hospital and was released with referalls to mental health follow ups and temporary pills. But the flashbacks wouldn’t stop and my mom yelling “Get out!” Wouldn’t leave my head and of all the fucked up shit that happened to me kept causing panic attacks and mini seizures and insomnia or hypersomnia. I lasted about a two weeks before my persecutor alter came out when my mom was recording me switching and tried to take her phone to delete the film’s to protect the system but I had been throwing a temper tantrum I guess cussing and screaming horrible stuff to both my parents for seemingly no reason to them. Anyways me and my dad and mom ended up fighting and I broke my dad’s phone cops arrested me for assault and malicious damage but could see I was still very mentally ill. So they sent me to the hospital where again I stayed for 3 days and then was sent to jail anyways I plead guilty to crimes I have no memory of except flashbacks sometimes which horrify me remind me of my childhood fights except I had turned into the big figure of my father. Anyways my parents had decided a few years ago to put the house on the market and it ended up selling not shortly after I got out of doing 30 days in jail. And me and my dad are speaking daily which is a good sign and he says he’s not abandoning me by moving to Florida which I was supposed to accompany them too and I believe him. But anyways I am currently in a men’s shelter, waiting on getting on Medicaid and Disability which can take anywhere from 4 to 6 months down here. I do have a therapy intake this Tuesday which I am excited for and then I have an appointment for my medications to be refilled. Anyways there is tremendous guilt that some alters can put on others in a system and I just want to say I am unmedicated right now but I do feel semi confident about being on the right track to starting my life back and getting some peace back by going to school and doing yoga and meditation a lot reading. And this article just turned into a war story sorry. But anyways my point is We don’t have to let setbacks derail us of our objectives. We can persevere and succeed. My mom and dad are still processing the whole incident and my diagnosis of DID though I tried to educate them it seems maybe they’ll never understand the traumatic experience to cause one on them has inflicted on my soul. So starting this blog was first about educating and relating to people with DID or family or friends of someone with it and also a side hobby to occupy my time while I wait for my medical and disability to come through so I can move to Colorado where I have some family support. The blogs changed into a humbling and great testimony that even though that guilt still hurts me, I am unmedicated, not in therapy, but able to start to get some independence and autonomy though with a few setbacks of switching sometimes obiviously, a lot of flashbacks, but with hope anything is possible I am surprised I am not in the psych hospital yet to be truthful but I have those appointments and a Cher concert to go to in two weeks and will be medicated and on the right path towards greatness and the ability to truly right the wrongs and help someone else in these circumstances and disorders.